Five Practices Our Persian Mothers Got Right

by Tabby Refael

(Note that a “doreh” refers to a women's circle/small social gathering, usually in one's home; an “ameh” is a paternal aunt; and “esfand” is rue, and its seeds are burned as part of a superstitious ritual to ward off the evil eye)

1. They check in with friends and family. Regularly.

Whether during a pre-pandemic 'doreh' or on a weekly call with your 'ameh, they remember the importance of actually checking in with others. The reason is twofold: First, Persian culture demands 'mardom-daree' (people skills) and it's imperative that friends (and especially family) don't feel neglected or cast aside. Our generation is forgiven for never calling our relatives because we're Americanized. But our mothers know better.

Second, Persian mothers usually know the secret to maintaining some semblance of mental health: regular contact with family and friends.

2. They call to say "Thank You" the day after attending a dinner party or gathering.

Because they know how hard the host (often another mother) worked to ensure everything was organized, beautiful and delicious. I wish our generation in the U.S. practiced this small, but extraordinary gesture.

3. For the most part, they don't sweat the small stuff.

They may get on your case about everything from wearing a jacket in July to why you don't eat enough beef. They may argue with you over tiny minutiae of your life. But they survived a fanatical revolution that completely upended their lives; losses and sacrifices that are indescribable; and some of them even survived an eight-year-long war (thanks, Saddam). They've had enough pain, trauma and perspective to fill not one, but several lives. You'll pardon them if they don't empathize with our sorrow over the fact that our ex blocked us on Twitter.

4. They know how to navigate life without technology.

Decades ago, those mothers, who now are in the Iranian diaspora, escaped Iran without the internet, including Google maps ('which way is the border with Pakistan?'), online forms (those desperate Visa applications were hard to come by) and cell phones (they used calling cards to notify worried family members that they'd safely made it to America, by way of Europe. They know how to keep busy without smartphones; they call their relatives (see #1).

5. They trust in esfand.

Enough said.