Five Things You Can Do Right Now to Reverse Doodool Tala Syndrome

by Tabby Refael 

Studies estimate that ten out of ten Persian men, whether born in Tehran or Toronto, suffer from DTS, or Doodool Tala Syndrome, a hereditary condition passed down from Persian mothers to their sons that is characterized by total ineptitude on the part of the son in all matters related to house work, as well as ridiculous delusions that he is exempt from lifting a finger as long as there is a woman around.

In Latin, “doodool tala” means a “golden peepee” and serves as a metaphor for a boy so precious that even his male organ is made of gold, whether he is 5 or 50.

The ancient Persian poet Hafez refers to it in his famous 14th-century poem, “The Sun Rises and Sets With Your Doodool”:

Behold! The Doodool Tala greets the day

And rising from the comfort of his sweet repose

Remembers that his mother will take care of everything

And contentedly climbs right back under the covers.

Until recently, doctors in Iran, most of whom were male, were poorly equipped to treat DTS, mostly because they suffered from the condition even more than the general population. Being males and doctors, they actually fell into the category of ADTS, or Acute Doodool Tala Syndrome.

However, advancements in medical research as well as a few posterior-kicking maneuvers (on the part of non-Persian women who married Persian men and were inadvertently forced to teach their husbands how to boil an egg or wash their boxer briefs themselves) have resulted in exciting new developments in the field of DTS reversal.

If you are the Persian mother of a young male and concerned that you may have passed down DTS to your son, do not despair. Research has shown that if addressed before the age of 13, DTS symptoms can be significantly reduced with only a few earth-shattering practices, such as asking that precious boy to put away his own dishes.

Here are five important things that you can do now to reverse the damage done to marriages, families, and garbage disposals mistaken as laundry hampers due to Doodool Tala Syndrome:

1. Be proactive and look for signs of blatant DTS: has your Persian husband cooked anything since you've been married, even once? Does he draw a blank at the location of the mop and broom? Are there more dirty socks on your floor than there are carpets? If the answer to these is 'yes,' then your own son is likely on a fast track towards DTS.

2. Involve your son as much as possible when you are cooking, whether having him crack eggs or baste a 14-pound turkey with marinade and a flavor injector.

3. Buy him a darling little broom of his own and have him sweep the floors right alongside you. Maybe he'll sweep some of your husband's dirty, rolled-up socks right into the dustpan.

4. Always ask him to bring you a cup of water or juice, even if the drink is rendered salty by the tears that have dropped from his precious eyes into your cup over the injustice of having to do such manual labor.

5. If he refuses to clean up after himself or his toys, simply tie his smartphone battery or tablet charger over a large bowl of water, ensuring that it falls little by little towards the bowl each hour that he avoids chores, until it finally falls in and is damaged beyond repair. Don't be too hard on yourself. Your future daughter-in-law will thank you. In fact, she'll kiss your feet for having stopped the onslaught of DTS in your family.

*The Center for Doodool Tala Syndrome Prevention in Los Angeles wants to hear from YOU. What experiences have you had with DTS, and what has helped you in your fight against this terrible condition?